Yeah. This isn’t just a Ginuwine song anymore.
I have suffered from anxiety in one form or another for most of my life. From the days when it was difficult to differentiate between my authentic asthma attacks and my authentic anxiety attacks, to my later OCD manifestations and my current inability to JUST.DO.SOMETHING.IN. A. CHILL-LIKE FASHION.
It’s like I live my life in all caps. Even my ‘relaxation’ can be aggressive. Like OH YOU WANT ME TO REST THIS WEEKEND? FINE! WAKE ME UP ON TUESDAY.
I know that people can also find me zen and restful-and that is an authentic facet of myself- but it’s really that I extend to people the kind of grace I wish I remembered to extend more consistently to myself.
Instead no, I sit in front of computers and smartphones and TVs feeding myself giant, steaming piles of terror everyday and wonder why my heart rate won’t settle, and why I have dreams in which I’m faced with Sophie’s Choice and Schindler’s List and Boys in Striped Pajamas and… and…. and… AND!!!!!!!!
So I’ve got to stop. Sorry, I have got to stop.
I tried a soft stop. I did. “No more Facebook” I said to myself.
Self said LOLZ.
“NO MORE NEWS SUBSCRIPTIONS”
Self said LOLZ.
Welp. My credit cards will thank me for this next move, since I have cancelled (and not ‘suspended’ or ‘blocked’) them all.
At the start of this year, I said my motto for 2017 would be “CREATE. NOT CONSUME.” I made that promise to myself when I didn’t realize how much there would be to consume. So much that’s so toxic that it poisons my creativity right where it lies, whimpering inside my soul.
It’s been like watering freshly planted seeds with weed killer. Like going on a diet then strolling down the buffet line of a busted down restaurant, insisting I’m just there for the view.
My wellness depends on this next move.
Create. Not Consume.
And yes of course, creation comes from consumption on several levels. But somehow I was consuming anxiety and just turning it into bigger, louder, angrier anxiety. That’s not the kind of creation I was aiming for in my 2017 life.
So Facebook, adieu. Twitter, farewell. Newspapers & Breaking News blogs, ta-ta.
From now on, my thoughts and feelings will manifest themselves here on my blog, and on my Instagram (@napalilli, FYI). I challenge myself not to view this as burying my head in the sand, but more withdrawing my head from some toxic cloud and turning towards a fresher space.
I need to breathe.
I need to BE.
I need to remember that there are still soft, welcoming, positive spaces in this world. I need to find them. I need to create them. I need to leave chaos for a minute.
So goodbye my loves. Catch you on my blog sometime? There are some things I’ve been meaning to say, and I think I’ll finally get around to saying them now.
Stay strong. Stay safe. Stay sane.
Cookies for courage have never been needed more.