Today I was in the supermarket using the mirrored wall above the meat products I was supposed to be buying to glare at my reflection. Ok so the angle was awkward and the wobbly edges of my reflection, which only made me more globular, were due more to the warped surface than my own actual outline.
BUT there it was: me glaring at myself and wishing that I was as skinny as I was when I used to think I was fat. Oh for the older fat me, who was actually slim in comparison to the new fat me.
These were the thoughts I thought as I hovered over the meat freezer.
And as I stood there, a woman pushed her trolley up to also check out the beefs and porks. I snapped out of my Frigidaire self loathing when the woman chirped, “Don’t you look lovely! That blue is beautiful on you.” I stared at her, torn between that long forgotten ability to believe and graciously accept compliments and the more familiar scoff-instinct.
She smiled at me and continued dreamily, “I remember when I was your size. Geez, I miss being that small and cute.” And she chose a steak tray and merrily wandered off while I stood there gobsmacked and wondering what the heck just happened.
What just happened was Cosmic Bitch Slap #412. I have GOT to stop this! How can I ever encourage my students to be more than their appearances when I allow mine to make me feel less than everything I actually am. I get in front of a mirror (or a window or a shiny spoon) and suddenly everything I have ever done, or been, melts away and my entire existence is reduced to her. To FatNat.
What the fat??? How does that happen? Every time!?! Yet the more I try to NOT think about what’s happening to my life and outlines, the more I do. Narcissism on top of fattisism ? No es bueno.
So here I am, back in my blog confessional space. Saying these things ‘out loud’ because it helps to keep me honest. It’s easy to think the most terrible things to yourself, then tell yourself that it’s not that bad because you know your tone, and context and ‘you just had to be there to really get it.” But I’ve walked these roads before. It wasn’t my weight back then, but… All forests look the same when it’s dark enough. And I have no interest in giving my negative thoughts that kind of room to flourish in secret places then ambush me one sweet mellow midnight. Never again.
The point is, dear interwebs: I write because I must. Because my mind is a mind that constantly manufactures words. Everything I think and see is constantly being knitted and woven into phrases and sentences and if I don’t get them out, I get all tangled up inside of them. And Lord knows, its got more than enough fodder now for some real heavy weight netting. I’ve no idea if anyone really reads this, especially since I’m off Facebook, but I write to have written, not to be read. (But please read me anyways.)
In the meantime, instead of trying to un-obsess, I’m going to redirect. I’ll now be focusing on the runaround required to actually be a real, fully paid up Grad Student, and getting my son all his very first Big Boy school supplies and what else?
Getting registered for my Big Doctor’s Visit in the Big US of A. Having successfully stumped all of Jamaica’s finest medical minds with my special brand of medical madness, we’ve decided to take this show on the road. Where we’ll end up, who’s to say but the song in my heart and the needles in my arm!
Here we go world: step one of FatNat’s Journey to Okay-ness. We hope.
We really hope.
Good night dear Interwebs. I’m going to go hi-five that beautiful blue dress, flash freeze that compliment into my soul, fill out some international medical forms and pray and pray and pray for all kinds of answers to all kinds of questions.
I am feeling pretty overwhelmed, I won’t lie.
But some of that which runneth over tonight is courage.
And the fierce certainty that I’m going to do whatever it takes to be okay.
After all, I have a beautiful family to live for, and friends to entertain, and students to teach, and a Postgrad degree to earn.
And of course… blogs to write.
Chocolate chip courage for everyone!