Today when I woke up, even I knew that my leg hair had gone about 40,000 steps too far. They prickled at me when I rubbed a tentative hand down my legs and that was particularly upsetting as I was wearing pants. I have been silent for the past few (20 days) trying to seriously rally back. I’ve been in constant rally mode, it seems.
So my last post was about green juicing. On July 17, at a doctor’s visit, I stepped on the scale to hear that in my 2+ weeks of green juicing I had gained, yes GAINED, 6, count them, SIX pounds. This was despite low calorie intake- but carefully balanced to avoid the starvation mode that would scare my body into holding on to fat <– LOLZ, apparently. I was on high fiber green juices and gallons of water to help flush my system. I WAS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT! Even if I hadn’t lost 550 lbs, surely GAINING 6 of those &%@#^*$#% things is just WRONG in every single galaxy known to man???? SURELY!
SO on that fateful day, it became official: something inside my body is mega-busted and nobody understands what it is, or how to fix it and it made me scared. No. It actually made me FURIOUS. And sad. And distraught. And filled with the fear that this is my forever look. I DON’T LIKE THIS LOOK!!!! How do I return it? WHAT IF I NEVER GET RID OF IT????
That was July 17.
I clawed my way to the surface of despair just in time for July 22- the Oh So Happy Day, my tiny man turned 1! That was a beautiful day. He’s walking, and babbling a few recognizable words, and several indecipherable ones; he’s social, and smiley, and the sweetest one year old since my firstborn was one himself.
Remembering how I spent the first week of his life hunched over his impersonal plastic hospital bassinet in the Baby ICU, praying that he would be okay, and that he would never remember that he spent much of his first week without being cuddled and swaddled and kissed; praying that he would forget that the first things that clutched his arms were tubes and casts…when I see him now, so happy and confident and hitting all the milestones with style, it warms me through and through. I really did spend all of that July 22 beaming down at my beloved bundle. It was a great day, like a promise of even better to come.
Then came nightfall. Continue reading “We are all Sexy Beasts.”