Living “As If”

Once upon a time the words “as if” were irrevocably and exclusively linked to what remains a top ten movie fave Clueless.
It was used only to express sick and horror at some gauche move or convo or outfit that our hero would never make.

Stripes and plaid???
I mean as if!

Although…this much plaid is its own personal crime


But the phrase took on a while new meaning for me during the course of our premarital counseling, when our counselor told us that sometimes in marriage you can encounter a problem so big, with so many far reaching, deep seated tentacles that even as you hack away at each aspect, you have to continue to live- and here was the real challenge-and to LOVE “as if”.
As if one day you’ll be fine again, so you better not let the chasm get too wide or the bitterness too deep.

As if one day you’d forgive so completely the memory of the problem would fade or have no sting, so you’re careful to avoid building your life around the burn of the current crisis.

As if one day the sun would come back so big and bright and  beautiful that you better not build your entire world around right now’s shadows.

It’s a kind of regimented optimism that doesn’t come naturally to most but has remained one of the pieces of advice that I really try to apply to everything in my life.
So yes my students anger me today, but if I restrict our interactions to that annoyance space I miss the relationship that makes me so proud when they do well, even if it’s in another subject or dominate a swim competition or just want a hug to say, “good job,” or even “Hi… you matter.”
Yes, my children stress me out and exhaust me, but if I make that the hallmark of how we relate then the joy and magic of Jude’s imagination and of Zane’s indomitable cheerfulness would pass me by or worse! Be downgraded to the ‘exception’ because I’m too busy being cranky too see that  it is actually the norm (albeit in varying degrees).
Yes, being so sick that the doctors can’t figure me out much less treat me effectively sucks. But focusing on the things that are wrong will only rob me of the fact that there is still a lot I can do and enjoy and thrive with.

So my challenge to myself in the midst of all the squillion other challenges I face is simply to just live as if.
As if I’m okay. As if I have hope. As if I’ll be fine. As if I’m a perfectly well person with just a few tiny medical quirks to work out.

As if it is well with my soul.
Because it is.
I’m scared out if my mind most times these days. But I’m going to sit right here and eat cookies until my courage comes back.

Until then I’ll be over here chilling.
As if it already has.


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