2nd Half Glory

So I’m duly done and over with the mourning of my old self, since the time period that qualifies as the ‘best old self’ varies wildly. Physically it would be around 2002, when my bulimia (yes, yes, yes, future post I’m sure) had finally shaved all the unwanted pounds right away, and my ferocious dancing schedule kept me tight n toned. My skin as glowing and my hair was noice!

Academically, it was probably 2003 since I was fresh from a scholarship to a French University and my grades were beasting it up- I was turning in A’s almost by accident and without effort, it seemed.

Professionally, that would be around 2011. I named and launched a product that is now seeing roll out in several other countries, building every aspect of its brand identity with my own hands. It got me recognized at an industry gathering and people I’m awe of KNEW MY NAME. Screeeeaaam.

Romantically, of course there was the whole, married the love of my life thing and how that blossomed into our beautiful family, so 2010 (even though that’s only getting more and more amazing, making that more of a jump-off year than a screen-shot year).

And emotionally….hm. Perhaps I’m still seeking emotionally, but I’d say 2009 was a good year for that too.

I’m FOREVER seeking a higher spiritual plane. I will never stop trying to be more and more of God’s Girl, so I’m not sure there’s a YEAR for that, either.

And then.

Then there’s 2014. Oh dear sweet 2014, which has felt like such a wrecker of hopes, dreams, aspirations, health and body image. I was quite prepared to just write off this year as a thing to just get through when it dawned on me that as of today, we’re only just ending the first half. THE FIRST HALF! There’s like a whole ‘nother half to come.

A WHOLE ‘NOTHER HALF!!!

The first flash of emotion was “ARE YOU KIDDING? UNSUBSCRIBE!!!” Continue reading “2nd Half Glory”

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Sad Sunday

There are times in life where your next move begins with words you speak loudly to yourself long before you have even a HOPE of believing them.
Today has been a bad day. I’m mopey and I’m struggling with getting my blood sugar levels high enough to feel truly human.

One of the ‘conditions’ I’m currently dealing with is an inexplicable surge in natural insulin production. Now, as a type 1 diabetic, I shouldn’t really have much if any insulin being produced naturally in my body. Therefore I have to inject before EACH meal (yes. Many ouch a day). Now with no real understanding of HOW my body is doing this magical thing, or what triggers it, or when it could happen what happens is I MUST inject my insulin, like normal, at the normal levels. This is so that if today is normal and no other insulin is lying around my endocrinal system, I can live and I like living.

Diabetes funny lol   Addicted to insulin

HOWEVER! If it is NOT a normal day, and my body kickstarts its own insulin thing, then uh-oh…too much insulin in my system. I crash. My sugar dips too low. It struggles to come up. I feel weak, lethargic, like I’m underwater. Or in a really bad funhouse dream. Continue reading “Sad Sunday”

Service with a smile

I’ve been thinking about serving.
“Serving”.

I’ve been thinking about how that’s another beautiful concept that the world got its grubby little hands on and ruined with all the twisted convolutions we have laid on top of a truly simply, beautiful thing.

Claire Huxtable, whom we all love and adore, (and who will never be anything more than a ‘screen name’ for the truth and majesty that is Phylicia Rashad -who shares my b-day bt-way) said something beautiful. I’ll let her tell you herself:

For those who can’t/won’t watch the clip, she offers coffee to Elvin and Cliff. Elvin pauses and comments, “I didn’t think you did that kind of thing … serve … serve him.” OH NO HE DI’NT! Coz Mz Claire comes back with a true life lesson:

“Serve? As in ‘serve your man’? Let me tell you something, Elvin. You see, I am not “serving” Dr. Huxtable, okay? That’s the kind of thing that goes on in a restaurant. Now I’m going to bring him a cup of coffee, just like he did this morning, and that, young man, is what marriage is made of: give and take, fifty-fifty. And if you don’t get it together, and drop these macho attitudes, you are never going to have anyone bring you anything, anywhere, anytime, anyplace ever.”

 

I mean, she set him STRAIGHT.

And it’s true. Continue reading “Service with a smile”

Live the love

I think God has given me an interesting life for a reason. I may never fully understand all the whys and wherefores of every exciting thing I have lived through, but I know through to my core that everything I’m going through is very much for a reason.

Some of them I get pretty quickly.
I think becoming a mother unlocked so many deeper understandings of God’s love, and how He could punish us, but still love us; how He could watch us make less than wise choices and still love us- how He could LET us make those choices and still love us; and how everything He did was born out of love even when it doesn’t look or feel or sound like it (ever yelled at your child because you were SO GLAD the thing they did that could have killed them didn’t and you just don’t even know what to do with the intensity of all those feelings, prime among them ‘love’? Yeah.)

 

Explain yourself. No SHUT your mouth when you talk to me!

 

Today, on my way back to the staff room, I ran into a few of my weaker French students thrilled that it was the last day of school (for THEM, don’t get me started on the back end we teachers face, with the marking and report cards and parent queries. Sigh). They were so happy to hear I would be teaching them in the next grade up that they did an impromptu dance. “Mrs Graham! We love you SOOO much, you see! You’re our FAVOURITE teacher! We LOVE everything about you, you make us laugh, even when you’re cussing us off! WE JUST LOVE YOU! See you next year!!!” And off they whooped, looking back occasionally to wave at me and clap gleefully.

 

I remember when summer looked like this too…

 

Continue reading “Live the love”

Face down your own face

My husband is a quiet voice when all the world is a storm.
He whispers that I’ll be fine. And I hear him.
And I believe him.

He reminds me that sometimes there is more power in the stillness than in the uproar.
There is a lot of uproar in my world right now.

And although it should really be fueling my writing, I find that right now, I still just need a moment to collect my thoughts.

Be patient? Right now, I’m just breathing, and  being.

Above all I’m praying and praying and really holding God to His word about my life.

I promise I’ll get it together real soon.

In the meantime, some BitterSweet+Sour:

BS&S- Hope

 

 

 

BS&S- Face down your own face

 

And for giggles as we head off for our nightly cookie:

BS&S- Cakeman

 

 

Courage, dear friends.
We’re all on our way to some kinda fine ❤

 

 

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

Sometimes there is nothing left to give.
Some days, the urge to lay on the floor groaning softly, “You win, life, you win” overtakes us, and it is only the fear of what may be on the floor under your desk that keeps you upright, content instead to drape yourself overs its rickety wooden surface whimpering, “Cookie. Must have cookie…”

or ice cream. any carb would have been fine today….

Some days you don’t have it in you to smile and pretend that today’s a good day and that you’re full of hope and optimism for tomorrow.

Sometimes you’re just too human to be anything but your sorriest human self.
And humans are broken.

So some days- just some days, not all of them- your happy button is broken and there’s nothing you can do about it at the moment.

LOLZ just kidding. I DON’T EXIST!

And the absolute worst thing to encounter on a day like that, is some oblivious soul who says things like JUST smile. JUST remember tomorrow is another day. JUST be happy you’re alive.

Sir and/or Madam: if you do not remove yourself and your chipper clichés away from my desk, I may be forced to kick you right in the encouragements.

Today is a day where I just need a day to be…broken.
Is that okay, world?

If come the weekend, I still appear somewhat grumbly, I give you free rein to pelt me with Instagram optimism and iCookies.

But some days, when there’s nothing left but the dim awareness that one cannot in fact lie naked under one’s desk at work as a means of coping, and a grudging concession to social niceties ( like grunting in response to greetings)…

temper tantrum
She gets it

Then one deserves a minute to simply
Be.

Today, ‘being’ is the best I can offer.
Apologies in advance.

But please, no one leaves my blog without some cookies ❤

Because everyone needs courage for SOMETHING, and everyone should have some.

One day, we’ll all be some version of fine, friends. And for today, we can let that be enough.

 

 

When your doctor sighs and says he’s sorry

When your doctor sighs and says he’s sorry…
Then you have to know your appointment is not going to go as well as you had hoped.
Yesterday when i woke up, I found that my entire right side was in agony.

Added to that, I realised I could not move my right hand properly. I couldn’t close it or open it reliably, and I didn’t seem able to hold anything in it.
Not to panic, just go back to sleep. This is what I told myself and this is what I did.
Hours later, still in pain and distressed that my sugar was struggling to come much above 4 (again, we want it at around 6…even 7 after eating, which I had) I dragged my miserable self to my doctor.
This is the hallway where I waited to be seen.


Behind these doors were the answers. Or so I had hoped.


What I got was a sympathetic hand rub. And a sigh. And a, “I’m sorry, but I just…don’t know what else to do.”
One day I’ll talk about the diagnoses- multiple- all of which are theoretical shots in the dark, because the bottom line is that I remain a medical mystery. But that day is not today; it can’t be. I just can’t, today.
I give myself until the weekend to rally back, but for right now I’m going to sit here in the shallow end of self pity and swish my legs around a bit. I won’t go all the way in. Just a little bit of toe dipping and suchlike, as I try to gather my strength and my faith about me for the fight ahead.

BS&S- Bad News Cookies
I have no idea what’s in store, but I know one HECK of a blog will be born from it. Perhaps even several hecks of blogs? We’ll see how it all plays out.
Courage friends.
Courage Natz.
And just for today…all the cookies you could possibly want.

 

 

And one for courage

Okay, so already this took a lot of courage, choosing to blog right here and now, with all the things going on in my world. When i made the decision to do this blog-a-day madness, I figured it would mean digging deep and sharing things that would have otherwise moldered in the back of my head, driving me crazy with shame and/or stress.

Even though I’ve already dropped some into so past blogs, today for lack of anything else to share immediately, and also for gain of courage in one more area of my life, here are some of my survival sketches. I call them that, because putting some of the things I see and hear and feel on this journey as a diabetic into a comic has been the only way to get through it all witha  modicum of grace and dignity, with my sense of humour intact.

I wish I had a light pen. And design software on my crappy laptop that would allow me to be a better animator. But right now, I have my pen, my book and a scan app on my phone. Bear with the poor image quality, and join me for a few wry grins and maybe an awkward chuckle or two.

This my friends, is BitterSweet+Sour: a biting diabetic revue.

So this one began on my birthday, with a doodle from Google. YAY PERSONALIZED SEARCH PAGE!

 

Google LIKES me!!
Google LIKES me!!

 

As I sat there, in my customer service afterglow, I realised something: That was a LOT of cake. I mean, I love me some cake, and I’ll steal a slice here and there, don’t you worry about ME. But THAT…that was just too much cake. And later that night, at my semi-surprise party, I sang the song, I cut my cake….and then I retreated to the safety of some crackers and a diet coke. So that’s where this came from:

BS&S- Birthday Cake Conundrum

 

Because for a minute, that’s really how I did feel. But only for one second, because with all my fabulous friends around me I still felt pretty darn happy and special and loved.

BS&S- Birthday Sweetness

 

 

And that was what my birthday was like, as told in pen and ink (and scan app on phone).

Oh and just because it’s fun, a bonus:

That's a glucometer in his hand. If you were wondering.
That’s a glucometer in his hand. If you were wondering.

 

Peace out everybody. Have yourselves a great day.
And also, one of these:

yummo
yummo

Living “As If”

Once upon a time the words “as if” were irrevocably and exclusively linked to what remains a top ten movie fave Clueless.
It was used only to express sick and horror at some gauche move or convo or outfit that our hero would never make.

Stripes and plaid???
I mean as if!

Although…this much plaid is its own personal crime

 

But the phrase took on a while new meaning for me during the course of our premarital counseling, when our counselor told us that sometimes in marriage you can encounter a problem so big, with so many far reaching, deep seated tentacles that even as you hack away at each aspect, you have to continue to live- and here was the real challenge-and to LOVE “as if”.
As if one day you’ll be fine again, so you better not let the chasm get too wide or the bitterness too deep. Continue reading “Living “As If””

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