Pregnancy is a Mutha #7

Thing 7

Relaxin- it’s not just for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, lemme tell you that right now. Relaxin is that hormone that tells your body to get ready for the baby. Your pelvis starts to loosen and widen, your hip muscles and all that begin to just get real loose-like. Aww, yay for the little baby. Awww too bad for you. Because you see…you kind of need those muscles to ohh…walk. Sit. Stand. Move in general, really. And now, they don’t listen to you anymore. They don’t care what you and your fat arse want to do, they just know they gotta stay soft n supple n limber for the baby. So yeah get ready for a world of pain. But don’t worry, it only occurs-as my doctor said to me- “when you’re sitting, standing, walking, or moving in general”. Excellent. Oh that pain in your lower back? Deep, abiding, throbbing? Yeah. That’s coming from all the compensation your spine has got to make for your hips, who are on their own lil babymoon.

And if we’re going to talk about hormones, should I even begin to delve into the abyss and mountaintop that are equal parts of pregnancy hormones? You watch an ad with a fluffy puppy, you smile moistly, you see a kid putting a peanut butter sandwich out for his mom, you well up, you see a diaper add, you weep in raptures of emotions you can’t explain. Then BOOM- you shout at the next human you make eye contact with, even if it’s that creepy guy on TV telling you it’s your money, and that you need it now. Everything inside your heart and mind are constantly fighting to get out through your eyeballs or vocabulary, and you can’t tell from one minute to the next what’s coming your way. It’s pretty taxing for the people around you, but it ain’t no cake walk for you neither. Let em know. NICELY. Like somewhere around the softly welling eyes phase, and right before Medusa manifests.


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