I don’t know whose job it was, but whoever you are…you failed. Miserably. Epically even. I want to find you and give you an award of Fail. The magnitude of your fail needs to be publicly honoured. Whoever was supposed to give me the REAL version of what happens to your body during and after pregnancy- thank you for NOTHING. Thank you for allowing me to be run upon by boundless surprises, as if the aches and nausea wasn’t enough? AS if the swelling and copious body fluids didn’t quite justify me for some help.
So because you are now fired (you did get that, didn’t you?) I now appoint myself as the new you. Whoever you are. Were. “What to expect when you’re expecting” my left boob- and thanks to mother hood, I now have two of each. If I were to write a pregnancy book, it’d be called “You’re Pregnant. Now PANIC!” OR “Pregnancy is a Mutha”. So listen up my Preggo Eggos, life is about to get bumpy, and from what I’ve heard it’s not going to calm down. There are a number of things you should know:
Morning Sickness: not just for mornings. Yeah. Learnt that little piece of treasure the hard way. All day I felt like I’d just gone 20 rounds of Dance Dance revolution on a rubber boat in the middle of a hurricane. Didn’t get the throw up, which would have felt (I imagine) like progress. No, just lots of dry heaving, useless retching and the endless endless nausea that felt for sure I was going to die. 24/7 seasickness, that’s what morning sickness can be. That’s of course, when it’s not actual vomiting. For some, a d dainty morning toss will do. For others, a hearty evening barf. And for the most fortunate… alllll.daaaaaay.